What We Lost Collection
by Isabelle
Summary: Set during Season five after Riley leaves. After finding love with each other Spike leaves Buffy because Angel is turning humann and coming back to claim his love.
1. The Unreturning

The Unreturning

**The Unreturning**

by: Isabelle

-Disclaimers: I don't own any of the characters, it's all owned by Joss. Words of the lyrics are "Thank You" by Dido, title The unreturning by Wilfred Owen. Movie Quotes from The Princess Bride.

-Summary/Spoilers- Set in Season 5, probably after Into the Woods. S/B are lovers, but Spike leaves because Angel is gaining his humanity.

-Rating: Pg (this part)

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She waited for him, patiently, like every other night for the past few weeks. No matter how hard the day had been just seeing his white head popping into her window all troubles seemed to fade away and all that was real was them two. Not every night would they make love, sometimes they would just lay and just hold each other as if everything would be lost if they let go. Falling asleep in each other's arms was magical. For the most part he would leave before sunrise. Other times she would wake and watch him climb down her window, like a gallant knight leaves his princess, and he would look up to see wrapped in nothing but a white silk blanket that was almost sheer in the light of the dawn. 

She would live throughout the day with the memories of his kisses and the warmth of his embrace.And whether this was meant to be or not, she would like to remember it as the suspended illusion of those magical nights when the world faded and all that was left was each other.

There was no need to read love stories for her life was an embodiment of one. 

At times she couldn't wait till after midnight to savor his lips and she would barge in un-invited to his crypt and surprise him when he was groggy and half-asleep. 

His dreams had turned, instead of having her in illusions he would carry the smell of her hair throughout his day-sleep. But he would especially love it when she would barge in unexpected to his place. This way he wouldn't have to wait to hold her at night for his passion to erupt.

Their passion was of course keep secret from all the others, they wouldn't understand. No one suspected anything, it was their secret, and even thought at times she wanted to scream it at the top of her lungs she would just smile inwardly and hear him say "Just us, pet, would understand this" and the slight sound of his thick English accent would calm her quivering nerves.

One night about three weeks after their first embrace she walked into her room were in a few minutes he should be coming through her open window but instead found a single white rose and a note. It said "At the clearing, by the graveyard, off Sunset Blvd." she smiled, took a shower and made her way to her lover. 

He had been expecting her, he had stolen a CD player and had a slow song playing, the song was perfect.

_I want to thank you, for giving be the best day of my life. _

_And oh just to be with you makes it the best day of my life_

A blanket was laid out in the clearing, he had brought some wine (he heard women liked that) and some pillows for the hard floor. She walked slowly through the clearing, he had driving his vintage black car and parked it by the white blanket, he was squatting on the hood staring at her intensely . The tiny white dress she was wearing slowly caressing the curves of her small body, almost translucent.

He loved it. 

He pulled out a rose, as pure white as the one he had left on her bed, "To my lady."

"Thank you good sir" she said taking the white rose and taking a little bow. 

He jumped down and extended his arm, she noticed he was dressed differently, he had dark jeans, a belt and a button down dark green shirt tucked in with the first three buttons undone to reveal the white "wife-beater" underneath.

"Dance?" he asked

"Foreplay?" she replied, he grinned.

They held each other in soft embrace, the white the moon illuminated their waltz. Slowly tenderly as if this was the last time they would be together.

_I want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life_

_Oh just to be with you is the best day of my life_

So softly they danced, no words needed, no words said. 

Just them. 

They looked into each others eyes and they knew that this wouldn't last forever. She was the slayer, he was a vampire, he loved the slayer, she loved the vampire. Could things be more ironic. 

"Pet..." he trailed off

"I know" she said softly she brought his hand to her mouth and kissed it so lightly.

"I have to go" he said, a single tear ran thought the strong lines of his face.

She knew, deep in her gut, she knew."When?" she asked afraid to hear the answer. 

"Tomorrow night." he answered.

They stopped dancing and just stared at each other, in an endless moment. Only the sky to witness their desire. 

"Buffy,....our life was not meant to end in a fairy-book way....to live happily ever after...its not us, luv." he said wiping with his thumb the tears that were now trickling down her face. 

"Back to LA?" she asked almost in a whisper. 

He nodded "I found a surgeon to remove my chip"

"I want to be there with you" she said thinking of him in a back dark room in an LA alley, where a weezy doctor would open his skull with out anesthesia and,...she couldn't let him go through this alone. 

There was no longer the fear of his evil-evilness, she knew him.

She could see through him. Not even the slightest possibility danced in her head.

He smiled "Always wanting to save someone"

"Baby, I couldn't bear the thought of you dead." she said holding him closer.

"I am dead, pet" he reminded her.

"But, I have you, I still have you, you're with me." She said pressing her cheek against his hard chest. "And you'll leave like all the others" she whispered.

He held her close, so close she could almost hear a heart beat. "Buffy look at me."

She fought to meet his gaze, were she drowned in the darkest blue eyes, so pale, yet her reflection.

"I wish I could change the world, I wish I could make it for you and me. I wish you were not the slayer and I were not a soulless vampire. But I can wish all I want, luv, and it wont come true."

"Why give up?" She said, trying to make her voice steady, but with him she had learned to make her emotions open. To tell him when she was upset, to cry and not be ashamed, to laugh until it hurt. 

He had made her complete.He took her small face between his white hands and kissed her softly on her lips.

"I am not giving up, Buffy."

"Then stay."

He sighted and looked at her placing his forehead with hers. "I would promise to come back, but what then?" he whispered. "To see you in hiding? To slip out before dawn? To act like I hate you when all I want to do is hold you? To pretend I don't care when I would die again if anything happened to you?"

She brought her hand and caressed his pale skin. 

"Buffy I......"

"Shhh...." she said placing her finger on his soft lips, those lips that have brought her comfort and lighted her life in ways she could not understand. As if she were truly alive when they met hers. "Some things are better left unsaid."

He looked into her eyes and nodded. 

"I'll never, ever, ever, forget you." he said and with that he kissed her one last time and let her go.

She felt like her body might disintegrate. 

He was leaving! 

She had just found him! 

They only had a couple of weeks, but a lifetime of memories.

"Spike!" she said as tears ran down her cheeks and he turned to look at her. She walked up to him and kissed his forehead and smiled. "Be good."

He twisted a strand of her long blond hair in his finger, twisting it till it felt like the hurting pain inside his heart.

He knew he could never be the one, he knew one day she would get tired, he they were not meant to be. He also knew that in two days Angel would be human, and he would return to claim the woman he loved. 

There was no doctor in LA, there was only a vampire who had earned his redemption. 

He looked down at the small girl he loved, it was killing him to do this but he would rather leave before his sire would waltz into the gates of Sunnyhell and watch as she walked out of his arms.

"I will." 

He turned and got in his car driving it out of the park, driving it out of the hellmoth, driving it out of her life.She watched as he speed away not looking back. 

She felt her body convulse in sobs as she crumbled defeated to the floor. It was not supposed to end this way, her knight was not to walk away, the princess was supposed to live happily ever after. She was to be happy, not with unbearable sadness, not with sorrow. 

But this was the Buffy Summers fairy tale.

All her knights had left and there was no one left to fight for her but only her..

His smell still surrounded her, so purely him. How could she face tomorrow, when she could hardly accept today?

How would she be able to walk by the cemeteries and stop looking for her lover to be hidden in the dark shadows, watching her, looking out for her, keeping her company, feelings his love radiating to her.

She felt lost without her vampire. She felt cold. She felt dead.She loved him, more than words can describe, more intense than anything she had ever felt, she loved him entirely and purely. And nothing he did was going to change that. 

He had left, but he always came back, someday her knight would come back. 

She knew he would not walk in ridding a white horse, or carrying a sword. 

But as long as he came back, even if they couldn't be together, he would stay, and that was enough. It was enough for her.

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Wesley: Hear this now: I will always come for you.

Buttercup: But how can you be sure?

Wesley: This is true love--you think this happens every day?

from _The Princess Bride_

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TBC................................ 


	2. Fond Memory

Fond Memory-

**Fond Memory- **sequel to _The Unreturning_

by: Isabelle

-Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all Joss. Quote from film Phenomenon.

-Summary: Sequel to The Unreturning, how Spike and Buffy deal with each other's memories.

-Rating: PG-15 (Language, Sexual Suggestion)

-Author's Note: Feed me FEEDBACK!!!! :)

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_Dear Journal,_

_I sit and wait for sometype of sign of his return. He has left me now for twelve hours and thirty-two minutes. Twelve hours and thrity-two minutes since he held me, since I felt him, since I saw him. Twelve hours and thrity-two minutes ago my life was so different. At times I ask myself if it was my fault he left, just like it was my fault that Riley left._

_Because I couldn't tell people that I loved a man they would never accept, because I was worried that I might die tomorrow and he would live forever?_

_I keep going over in my head the reasons for his departure. He said we weren't mean to be and I know it. This we have is wrong. But it is something._

_Something that it is killing me as much as it is killing him. That we have to suffer being away because I was daylight and he was night (WOW-who knew I am a poet). _

_But I've spent the most important hours of my life in darkness. I am, like him, a creature of the night. How can a creature of the night love a creature of the day? Maybe that was the fallout of Riley, he was too brisky for me. _

_Funny that when Spike held me I forgot about this entire universe and our purpose in it. It was just us two. _

_I remember the first night we kissed and made love. _

_It had beed about a week since Riley left, me and Spike had gotten trapped in that cave by the old cementary. We fought with each other for about two hours straight, when water started to leak in from the rain outside. I was going to drown._

_He was frantic. It was the moment he started planning every single plan under the sky, divising ways to get me out alive that I looked at him, I mean I really looked at him and realized that I cared for him._

_That he cared for me. That after years of fighting, insults and hatred, we had grown in an inseperable bond. That the experiences we both went through together were shared by only us two and no one else. That we had both been left by love. That we were both wild creatures of the night and we both made each other crazy._

_I remember I walked up to him and kissed him. He almost tripped over into the muddy water that had risen to our knees. But I catched him as he stared at me with his wide blue eyes, I almost laughed but I didn't want him to think that I was taunting him. At that moment-like so many other moments in my life-he was all I had. I was going to drown, he might die too if he didn't feed in a couple of days. _

_Then he held me as I cried, I didn't want to die, not like this, not drowning in a mud filled cave. I was the slayer, born to die in the hands of a demon. And here he was......in front of me, my demon. It was then that I realized he had always been there, yeah he left, but he always comes back, he returned._

_As he held me while I cried I realized how much stronger he made me feel. How, in front of him, I was never hidding anything. I was Buffy, I was the Slayer. He had seem me down in the dumps, he had seen me at my best. He had seen me act silly, he had seen me being the hero. He saw me as the package, as the embodyment of who I am._

_In all my other relationships, I was only a shade of me, only a part, the other pieces.....I layed them dormant. _

_With Angel, I wanted his protection, I was still the frightened little girl who needed looking after. The slayer would be put to rest with my Angel and I was just Buffy._

_With Parker, that was just a mistake, and no other words on that issue._

_With Riley I was cautious. There was a fine line between the things I shared with Riley and the things I didn't. I was part Slayer and part Buffy. But there were limits, places I didn't wonder to, things I knew he wouldn't understand. Afraid of hugging him too hard, I might break his back. Afraid of hitting him to potently, I might do serious damage. GOD! It was the constant battle of formalities that drove me away from him._

_But with Spike. With him it was a nightly release of who I was. When I was with him, I didn't hold anything back, I was free. I could cry, he let me and held me until I stopped. I could laugh when he would tickle me (I got him back though). I could fuck his brains out nigthly and he would do the same to me. Doing things that normal human beings would be left bruised and beaten for. Bones crushing bones, it was miraculous release. I was coming home, everytime. _

_It was the looks we gave each other in front of the others, when no one was looking. It was the rush and the mystery and the knowledge that we could never be that drove me to love him more and more each day._

_Noticing the silly things he did, like scream at the television when something in Passion went in a twisted direction. The ways he took off his shirt from the back of the neck. The way he poked the marshmallows in mom's hot cocoa while he smiled at her and her stories. The way he refused to believe that he was no longer the big bad. The way he wrinkled his nose when he drank his pig's blood which he hated. The way he would fight so full of energy and stamina, and after a kill he would hop in exitement like a little kid. The way he cocked his head to the side when he couldn't believe what you were saying. The way his chest puffed up when ever his name was associated with evil and fright. The way he secretly rubbed the small of my back as he led me into a room. The way that evertime our eyes met he was shouting "I love you" yet no words were spoken._

_The way he loves so entirely without any holds. He is willing to give so much love it scared me at first, but then I used it as a tool to learn to love again. In the three short weeks I was with him, he reached inside of me and brought out who I really am and who I was meant to be._

_I was free._

_Buffy Summers_

Buffy placed down her pen and sighted resting her head on her wrist. She couldn't cry no longer. She gave a non-humorous laugh. She had no water left in her body.

_I can do this._ She said noding her head although it felt as if it weighted one hundred pounds.

She looked down at her bed and smelled her pillow, it smelled like him, this is where he had last slept, here they had last talked until dawn. She was literally never going to wash that again. She layed down to sleep inhaling his scent as she drifted off to dreams of him.

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He stared at the motel ceiling like a zoombie whose life has become so unbearable that they have decided to block everything thing else out.

He slowly raised himself from the position he had been at for the past twelve hours. He missed her, he missed her so much it hurt.

_So this is what you felt for the past three years._ Spike talked to Angel silently.

He could still smell her on his coat, the coat he gave her that night, that first night she had kissed him and he died for the second time of shock.

Then he remembered holding her while she cried for fear of her death, how tight she held on to him. He was dying. Both from excitment of this new revelation of trust and for the thought that only one of them was going to walk out of the cave that night.

When she finished crying she looked at him with longing in her eyes and he did what any red-blooded male would do, he stuttered.

He didn't know what to say; what do you say "Ummm.........I love you......like forever now......wanna run away together, sorry you're dying?"

He shook his head, she was the slayer, yeah he had dreamed about it, fantasized about, but never expected for her to return it the emotions.

But there was no holding back, this was his moment, he could still hear in his head those words that had done her in after she had stopped crying. He told her, "If you die tonight, you will not die alone."

Her eyes had sparkled, something he had never seen her do, this was new, like a new found happiness in the middle of a death sentence. She was happy and those simply words that _He_ had said had made her happy, had made her feel sheltered.

He had kissed her tentatively at first and when she responded his intentions it had finished off being the best night of his life. She had given herself to him so completely so lovingly that even in the mud water, that reached their waist by the time they finished, it didn't stop their love making.

When he realized the danger she was in and the way he actually had some serious chance to be with her, he had gone into a panic attack. He wanted her to live and he wanted to un-live, he wanted them to be together.

He remembered the water reaching his shoulders and her neck, he had picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and they cried together.

She had whispered the things she wanted him to tell her family and friends and he had cried like a little boy whose only real thing in this world had been taken away.

When the water had reached their chins they grew very quiet and he had asked her if she wanted him to turn her, she had said no, but thanks for the compliment. She knew that him siring her would have meant eternal life together. She had refused, even though at first it hurt him he understood that she didn't want to become one of the creatures she had been born to destroy.

The last few minutes had lasted hours for him they stared into each others eyes forming an electric bond that would change everything between them. It specially came to a surprise when the water stopped two seconds before drowing her and the cave opening shattered, showing the dark night. The water current had pulled them and dragged them a few feet till they ended in the middle of the cememtary floor still clinging to each other. There had been a silence between the two, thinking that perhaps they were dreaming, that their unexpected escape was not real. 

But then they had laughed, laughed until their stomachs hurt, laughed out of joy and delight. She had felt silly and he had told her then and there; never to hold her feelings back in front of him. That had changed everything, they became inseparable since then. That night they had made sweet love, rough love, and silly love.

He smiled remembering how she had played "the damsel in distress" and he the shinning knight that rescued her. They had the time of their lives, loving, adoring, and trusting. 

With Buffy it was the first time he could honestly say he had fallen in love. Before that day in the cave he had lust, but now.....it was most definetely love.

And because of love he was going to do what he was doing now.

He braced himself as his Desoto stopped in front of the old hotel that read "Angel Investigations". He was going to tell Angel what he had found out from a messanger sent by Drusilla. The meassage: a vision.

In twelve hours Angel would be human, and he just wanted to let his sire know that he was glad that Buffy was getting what she deserved. A human, one that she loved. Her loving Angel had not bothered Spike, because she knew that he still loved Dru. But there was a grand difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

Buffy eventually would fall back in love with Angel, he knew it, and even though he knew neither were going to forget those sweet three weeks, they had to go on with their lives.

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George: Do you think you could love me for the rest of my life?

Lace: No, I'm gonna love you for the rest of mine.

from _Phenomenon_

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TBC......................


	3. Voice from the Tomb

Voice from the Tomb-

**Voice from the Tomb**- Sequel to "Fond Memory"

by: Isabelle

-Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all Joss. Poem _The Lady's First Song_ by W.B. Yeats.

-Summary: Sequel to Fond Memory, Angel comes back to Buffy after Spike tells him he'll be human. Buffy chooses who she stays with.

-Rating: PG-13 (Language)

-Author's Note: Feed me FEEDBACK!!!! :)

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_I turn round_

_Like a dumb beast in a show,_

_Neither know what I am _

_Nor where I go,_

_My language beaten_

_Into one name;_

_I am in love_

_And that's my shame._

_What hurts the soul_

_My soul adores,_

_No better than a beast_

_Upon all fours._

**W.B. Yeats**

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Four hours ago she had written in her journal pouring her heart onto its pages as her tranluscent tears bathed the palid paper. She prayed for sleep, but sleep was not so kind. When her boy shaped itself into him, into him that was no longer there, warming her with his coolness, comforting her with his strength. How was she supposed to live when he had left for sixteen hours and her body was screaming for his. 

She couldn't eat, she couldn't talk, she felt lost and alone. But more alone than anything. At times she could smell him around her and she would turn around fully expecting him to be there, leaning against a tree with passion filled eyes and open arms. But all that followed her were shadows filled with pain and sorrow.

She would hear his voice, whispering in her ear softly and tenderly. Talking about everything, life, love, people, vampires.....just talking. Talking without restriction, talking without walls. Saying what was on her mind and not being ashamed. 

She shivered. 

It was a cold night. She could use his duster, all warm and worn in, smelling like him. She should have stayed with it. At least something to remember him by. But then she realized that no matter how much he left her, the only thing that would bring her comfort would be him, his eyes, his hands, his smile.

_Damm him for making me feel this way._

Walking home after a late patrol she slumped, disappointed, he was not there, he was gone.......

She saw her house in the distance, back to her lonely bed, back to the kitchen where little mashmellows will live uneaten. Back to the back porch where she'll sit on the steps alone. 

Then she felt it....she felt.....a vampire...a familiar vampire.

She stoped on her tracks and her heart rate sped up.

_Did he come back? Did he change his mind? Is he waiting for me? Will he stay?_

She broke into a run with a heart soaring above the clouds. _He was back! He couldn't stay away! He loves me!_

She stoped to take a better look, she wanted to surprise him. Then she saw him, in the darkness,.....black coat....her senses screamed out: _vampire!_

With a smile plastered on her once sad face she ran to him, her senses sung in harmony at her delight. 

He sensed her coming and immedietly turned around to look at his love. She was smiling and running, she looked so happy, so glad to see him, and his heart soared.

_She's all mine! At last!_ He thought.

She saw him turning around and her entire body froze and came to a terrifying halt. Her heart sunk to the pit of her stomach and she felt the bile threatening to spill.

He rushed to her side as her small body collapsed to the ground.

"Buffy?" he asked kneeling next to her, his eyes searching hers. "Are you alright?"

She met his dark gaze and she felt her whole world fall apart. "Angel? What are you doing here?"

He stammered, she did not seemed pleased to see him at all. She looked almost disappointed, lost, and hurt.

"We need to talk, Buffy."

She looked at the face of this man she would always love but was no longer in love with and her bottom lips trembled. "What's wrong? You know it's 3:30 AM?"

"Buffy, this is serious." he stoped and smiled. "This is about us."

"Us?" she asked in almost horror. _Men and their timing!_

She stood up and he led her to the porch steps and sat down. She stared at him as he sat looking at his hands, looking all nerveous.

_Those steps._

There she had sat with Spike a couple of months ago. Sadness filled her again as she thought of her gone lover.

"OK, so what brought you out from hidding?" She asked crossing her arms and staring at him.

"Buffy, what wrong?" he asked sensing her uneasiness.

She froze. Was she that readable?

"What do you mean?" she asked frowning.

"I don't know.....it just feels like you don't want here." he said looking down. 

"Angel it's not that....."she said feeling bad. "I just......I have a lot on my mind lately."

He nodded. "Well I am sorry Buffy, but I have news."

She nodded for him to go on.

Silence.

"I'm moving back." he said in a whisper.

She could have sword he said he was moving back. "What?"

"I am moving back,...." he said getting up and smiling at her.

She looked at him in horror. He was smiling! Did he think that she wanted him to move back, just when she was completely over him?

"Why?" was all that she could ask.

He kept smiling and took a deep uneeded breath. "I am turning human." 

She froze. Thousands of thoughts flooded her mind, so fast, so rapid that she felt out of breath.

"Buffy, my love, did you hear me? In a couple of hours I'll be human!" She said grabbing her by the shoulders and hugging her in a ferocious manner than made her want Spike's lean compatible body instead of Angel's.

She pulled away from his embrace and stared at him blankly. "What?.....How?" she stammered.

He kept the huge grin on his face and he begun explaining about the Shanshu and his prize and redeption and all these things that he had known for months yet never told her. She didn't know whether to be mad at him or be happy for him. Funny how she thought of his hapiness not theirs. 

"Angel that's great....I mean it's a miracle." she said looking at him in wonder. "But why didn't you tell me?" 

He shrugged. "The prophesy said it wasn't going to be until years from now, so I though it best not to tell you." he said and she understood. "That's until a couple of hours ago when Spike came by.."

"Spike?" She cried jumping up and looking at him in expectancy.

"Yeah Spike, you know the pain in the...." 

"When did you see him?" she interupted him.

"Don't worry, he wasn't trouble...."

"When did you see him?" she cried, grabbing his arm in desperation.

"Buffy, what is the matter with you?" Angel said holding her back. "What did he do this time that has you this rattled up?"

"What do you mean?" she asked innocently realizing the fool she had just made out of herself.

"Buffy, you can't tell me nothings wrong, what's up with Spike? What has he done?" Angel said looking at her turned face.

"Can you just tell me when you saw him?" she asked in a low controlled voice.

"I told you, a couple of hours ago. He came to tell me that Drusilla had sent him a message declaring that her "daddy" was lost forever since his heart will beat like a pesky human." Angel said letting go of her.

"He went to L.A. to tell you, that you were turning human?" she asked in a ragedy voice.

"Yes....Buffy what's wrong?" he said. "Why is this bothering you so much?" 

She stepped away and turned her back on him. "Because.....he knew." she said in a whisper.

Angel steped in front of her and saw a single tear running down her cheek, and for the first time in that night he noticed the bags under her eyes. 

"Buffy...."

"He knew you were turning human so he left.....he left just like you did and for the same reason you did." She said and looked at him. "For me to have a normal life."

Angel stood there in shock. Was it possible, had Spike fallen in love with Buffy, or more importantly had Buffy.....

Anger rose in him and he grabbed her arm. "Did he touch you?" he roared his face vamping out.

Buffy stood there paralyzed, first at Angel's ourburst, second at his rough manner. 

"Did he?" he yelled at her face. Then he sniffed her and he knew. He let her go and his human mask melted back in to place.

He stared at her with hurt in his eyes. 

"Angel...." she begun as all the guilt washed over her. "I am sorry...."

"You're sorry? That's all you can say?" He screamed. "I let go of you so you can have a normal life, and you go on and fuck another vampire?" 

Before he knew what happened, Buffy's knuckle met his chin and sent him flying across the lawn.

She walked up to the vampire that was lying on her front lawn. "Get out." she hissed at him.

He jumped up and she saw the rage flashing yellow sparks in his eyes. 

"Buffy, he's a monster!!" he cried. "He's a souless creature who will hurt you....and look he already has!"

Buffy's eyes narrowed dangerously. "He has more feeling and more humanity than what you had in two hundred years of plaguing this earth!"

"I had no soul!" he defended.

"My point exactly!" she cried. "Without a soul, you're nothing. You are the monster.......a sick demented moster who cared nothing for no one but himself. I should know, your action almost destroyed me."

He stared at her blankly. "And you're saying he isn't."

That was the cherry on top. She shoved him to the ground and glared at him. "I not only trust this "souless creature" with my life, but with the life of my mother, my sister, and my friends. I trust him because without a soul he has more heart than any creature I've know! Including you. I loved you once, Angel but YOU left ME. You left me. Don't come back all noble and self righteous thinking that I'll acept you with open arms. Because these arms haven't been opened for a very long time. You shut me out." she paused and he stood up with only pain in his small brown eyes. "You shut me out, and I should thank you."

He looked at her with confussion. 

"You leaving meant me growing up. Me growing up meant me finding myself and you know who showed me?" She looked at him for some time. "Spike. Spike showed me who I was. Beacause......" she sighted. "There are so many becauses, from the rough talk of my dark nature to his gentle touch. He showed me. He's who I love." she looked down at her hands. "I am glad for you Angel, I really am." she turned around and started walking back to her house. The paused and looked at the stunned vampire. "You're going to make some woman very happy......but it won't be me......." She walked back to her house, back to her porch, back through her kitchen, and to her room that still smelled of old cigarrettes and him.

_Soul must learn a love that is_

_Proper to my breast,_

_Limbs a love in common_

_With every noble beast._

_If soul may look and body touch_

_Which is the more blest?_

W. B. Yeats

TBC.................................

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	4. In Exile

In Exile-

**In Exile- **sequel to "Voice from the Tomb" part of _What We Lost Collection_

by: Isabelle

-Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all Joss. 

-Summary: Sequel to "Voice from the Tomb", Spike does some driving before he turns around and head back to Sunnydale just to "check" on Buffy. Buffy confesses to Giles about her relationships with both vampires. 

-Rating: PG-13 (Language)

-Author's Note: Feed me FEEDBACK!!!! :)

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_Remember me when I am gone away,  
Gone far away into the silent land;  
When you can no more hold me by the hand,  
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.  
Remember me when no more day by day  
You tell me of our future that you planned:  
Only remember me; you understand  
It will be late to counsel then or pray.  
Yet if you should forget me for a while  
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:  
For if the darkness and corruption leave  
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,  
Better by far you should forget and smile  
Than that you should remember and be sad. _

Christina Georgina Rossetti

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He pulled off the side of the road at the sight of the late night bar. A drink, that's what he needed! He wanted to get seriously drunk tonight, so drunk that he could forget, forget her eyes. Forget her smile, forget her laugh, forget her smell, forget her love.

_Damn her for making me this way!_ He thought bitterly as he got off his black classic beauty and stode to the building of hope and enchantment.

He slowly opened the dirty glass door and his senses went off, this was a demon bar. _Great!_ But not to worry, he was sure no one had heard of him in Arizona.

Upon entering several curious eyes turned and looked his way, but a vampire was not to their interest as long as he did not stir any trouble.

The smoke in the darkened room hid the faces of the grotesque and the mundane. Horns, tails, scales, and feathers were among the variety of colorful people he belonged with.

He was a monster just like them, this was his place, here in the dark corners of hidden society. Not in the sun, not with humans. He was cursed, and he had to accept his curse. He was a creature of the night, he was the subject of buggy-man stories that terrified the minds of human children in the night.

He had been blessed with the physicality of a human but underneath the cloak of appearances layed the monster in its most purest form. He was a beast and she was his beauty. 

But in this story there were no wilting roses that bloomed for years, there was no magic mirror to see her in, only his memories of their short time together. And there was no magic spell to break, no mater how much they cried out that they loved each other, their story had no end. 

He sighted as he took a seat on the bar and ordered a bottle of tequila and a glass. The demon bartender looked at him in pity and got him his drink.

Spike poured himself a hefty amount and began to sulk. He's turned into the bleeding image of his sire! All alone and depressed, not even killing demons gave him the rush it once had. He had even stopped thinking about his chip, all his thoughts were on her, his beauty, his slayer, his girl.

What the hell was he thinking? She was no longer his, not like she ever was. But now she belonged to the poof, he was human now and she was probably planning her wedding and asking herself why she ever sleeped with a creature like him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast? "

from _Beauty and The Beast_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Buffy, are you sure you're alright?" Xander asked his friend one night on patrol.

Buffy piped up, realizing she was sulking again, off to Spike-land. "Yeah, sure, why?" she asked rapidly.

"I don't know, you seem a bit distracted, that's all." He paused and looked at her. "Is not about Angel, is it?" He asked knowing of the recent miracle that occured to the former vampire. He still could not understand why she had not taken him back, after all he was the love of her life, they were meant to be together for eternity.

"No, not about Angel." she replied wearily.

Xander stopped walking and looked at her. "Buffy can I ask you a question?"

She sighted. She knew what was coming, none of her friends could understand why she did not take Angel back. "Sure."

He took a deep breath. "Why? I mean isn't this the way you always wanted it? It's the perfect ending for the perfect fairy tale."

Buffy gave him a small smile.

"I mean here he comes, galloping into town, declaring his undying love, all is possible, you could walk off into the sunlight together and have kids, a house with a white picket fence, and you know, grow old together, and live happily ever after."

Buffy looked sadly at the ground where her feet met the earth.

"That would be the ending to the fairy tale, wouldn't it?" she said sadly.

"Buffy, what's wrong? For the past two weeks you've been a complete mess?" he asked "You're acting like someone died, or someone left, and the only person who's left town is Spike and we are all mouring him soooo much." he finished sarcastically.

Buffy winced at the mention of her lover. It hurt so badly, as if she was peeling raw inside her corpse.

Xander studied her features as she winced. "Oh no....." he trailed off as realization was brought to him. The past two weeks, the last few weeks the vampire had been there, her distance. Both of them missing at the same time, her happy smiles out of no where, and eversince the disappearance of the bleached blonde her sulky mood that none of her fake smiles could hide. "You,...you....you fell in love with him...." he said pointing a trembling finger at her accusingly.

"Xander, what are you talking about." she asked turning around and suddenly wishing for a heard of vampires to attack.

"With Spike,...you and him...Oh God!" he said in shock.

"Please, Xander, it's Spike!" she said trying to looked annoyed and pissed off but failing miserably.

"BUFFY!!!! He's a vampire!" Xander shouted. 

"I know he's a vampire! I am a vampire slayer and we can never be. I KNOW THIS! Don't you think I know this! Why do you think he left!!" Buffy yelled back, tears treathening to fall. "But regardless of him being a vampire, or me being the slayer, or this entire silly world going to pieces around us, I love him, because we are alike!" 

Xander's mouth gapped open at her wide confession, this was obviously something she had stored in her heart and was theatening to spill. Buffy was in love with Spike. Spike was in love with Buffy. 

"Only in the hellmouth." was all that Xander could say.

Buffy wipped her tears and gave in to the small chuckle. "I suppose you hate me now." she said.

"I don't hate you, Buffster. I don't understand you, but I'll still love ya no matter what." He said hugging her.

Buffy returned his hug, she felt lifted. Finally she had screamed what she was feeling inside, the thoughts and whishes that she had burried deep inside had come out. Someone else knew about her pain. Xander may never like the idea, but atleast he would listen to her and that's all she needed. She had gone through five journals in two weeks and her hand held blisters and her lonely pillow just would not dry up after nightly crying fest. Not even Mr. Gordo helped, he wasn't Spike.

"C'mon, lets go get ice cream, my treat. And I'll guess I'll listen all about you and deadboy, jr."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did he feel pointless, feeble and distrait,

Unwanted by everyone and in the way?

Did he love people very much

Yet find them die one day?

He did not love in the human way.

He did not feel like this, He had a future bliss.

But there is no suffering like having made a mistake

Because of being of an inferior make.

He was not inferior, he was superior.

His thoughts were different.

How could he feel like this? He was the King of Heaven.

from "Was He Married" by Stevie Smith

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

The man next to him would not shut up. It was worst than Dru. He might be drunk but he could still hear him babling about the stars talking to him and the waves calling him. He wanted to take his bottle of tequila and ram it through his skull. He could do it, the man was a demon, but for some reason it felt wrong.

_Damn Slayer and her damn conscious_. He said to himself.

"Don't blame her, you're all covered with her." The demon next to him told him laughing.

Spike set his jaw and turned to look at the creature.

"Love her don't you?" the man said grinning.

"Mind your business, mate, I don't want any trouble." Spike replied taking a gulp at his drink.

"Ah, I see.."

"No you dont see nothin', I am not interested in your ability to see how much I love her." Spike interupted him. "Cause it doesn't matter......get over it, I am." He said and took the last gulp of his bottle.

The man started laughing insanely and some of the demona in the bar were turning ot the unlikely couple and thier interesting conversation.

Spike knew he had to get out of there before the walking asylum mentioned it was a slayer they were refering to. He wanted to live, punish himself for falling in love with the girl. For being weak and vulnerable.

"She does love you, you know." the man sung smiling.

Spike let out a sight and shook his head.

"Shut, yer trap." he hissed at the demon.

"Tell me something, vampire?" the man asked turning on his seat and looking at him. "What kind of a soulles creature are you?"

Spike had enough, it was either run while he could or beat him till he was unconscious.

"One that's two seconds away from killing you." Spike replied tossing his money to the bartender who looked at him in discust.

"Self sacrifice is the ultimate draw, vampire." the man continue as if no threat had been placed on his head. "The stars tell me that, you know, they always speak to me. Singing in my ear..."

Spike took a large unessesary breath, it was like being back with Dru. The man continued his speech on his dialogues with bruning bringht light and Spike stood and tugged his coat on.

"She'll die." the man finally said and all the movement in Spike body seased. He abroutly tuned and glared at the man.

"That's not my problem anymore." Spike said taking out a cigarrette and lighting it. "She has peaches to look after her now."

The man looked at him with a wide grin and shook his head.

Spike looked at him and cocked his head. 

"She does not love him anymore." the man said.

"Peaches is not going to leave her."

"The question is not whether he left her or not, but whether she made him leave." the man said inspecting his half empty glass of whiskey.

"Buffy kicked him out?" Spike asked surprised.

"She'll die, she'll die alone." the man sung looking at the brown liquid.

Spike grabbed the man by this shirt and slammed him against the bar counter.

"When?" Spike yelled.

The man started laughing. "You'll be too late."

"When, god dammit, WHEN!!???"

"You'll be too late, vampire, you'll be too late."

Spike decided he was waisting time with the loony toon and droped him as fast and he could. He bolted out the door on his way to Sunnydale. 

Buffy was not going ot die, not while he was still un-dead.

"You'll be too late." the man sung in the background. "You'll be too late."

TBC....................................

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	5. To Part Now

To Part Now-

**To Part Now**- Last Part of "What We Lost Collection"

by: Isabelle

-Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all Joss. Lyrics _Whenever You Call _by Mariah Carey.

-Summary: Sequel to "In Exile", Spike races against time to save Buffy's life.

-Distribution: People who have contacted me and I've given them an ok, other than that please ask!

-Rating: PG-13 (Language, Violence)

-Author's Note: Feed me FEEDBACK!!!! :) [][1]bih80@yahoo.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Love wandered inside_

_Stronger than you, Stronger than I_

_And now that it has begun_

_We cannot turn back_

_We can only turn into one_

She wandered alone, late night, dark night, cold night. Drifting off in her thoughts, at times she could almost hear him coming, nearer and nearer. But the feeling would disappear, fade away into the late, dark, cold night.

Holding tight to her sword at hand, all senses alert, just waiting for that precise moment that the creature would dare show its face.

She hated killing demons, they were so messy, leaving a corpse behind and their blood usually did not go with her outfits. So she had dressed down, nothing fancy, it's not like she was out to impress anybody. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_I won't ever be too far to feel you_

_And I wont hesitate at all_

_Whenever you call_

_And I'll always remember the part of you so tender_

_I'll be the one to catch your fall_

_Whenever you call_

Spike raced through town, breaking all speed limits, eating all stop signs, going through every red light. He didn't care, his entire thoughts were concentrated in the petite woman who was currently patrolling all alone and in great danger.

He could hear the mock laughter of the crazy man ringing on his ear_ "You'll be too late, vampire". _He'll never forgive himself if he let anything happen to her when he was able to prevent it.

He knew exactly were she'd be at, he knew all her nightly patrols, he could even picture what she was wearing, probably something casual, specially this late into the morning hours. He knew he would be risking it, but he would rather fry in the sunlight than let her die.

Approching the cementary were she was at, he parked his car as far as it could go in and jumped out not even turning the engine off. He flew over the hood and began running, running as fast as his legs could carry him. He ran like the wind, like this entire universe depended on his destination, well it did. At least his universe, she died and so did he.

He stopped and smelled the night air and found it, her scent. He picked up his pace again and he followed the scent of the woman he loved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_And I'm truly inspired, finding my soul_

_There in your eyes_

_And you have opened my heart_

_And lifted me inside_

_By showing me yourself, undisguised_

Buffy felt when the creature approached but she was ready for the bastard. She abruptly turned to stare at her opponet and there it was, six feet tall, poo-poo brown, and one horn coming out the middle of his forehead. 

"Well hello, beautiful, glad you could join me." She said standing on her fighting pose.

The demon lashed out at her and she ducked it, landing behind him and rapidly kicking him hard on his spinal muscle. The creature roared in annoyance with the slayer, she smiled playfully. "Did I do that?" she asked innocently.

The creature attacked her again hitting her face and sending her flying, bumping against a tree.

She quickly got up and lashed at it with her holy sword, it slashed his arms. The demon cried out in pain but wasted no time and grabbed her neck, lifting her up into the air.

Buffy thought quickly, bringing her heavy sword she ran it through the creature as she tried not to choke.

The animal let her go and stumbled on to the ground, falling in a heap of green blood and guts.

"Now that was disgusting!" She thought as she lifted herself from the ground, she looked over to the monster, he was dead.

She led out a large sigh, _all in a nights work._

She bend down and pulled the large sword from the creatures chest, she liked that sword, it reminded her of Simbad. Buffy looked down at the disfigured corpse and grimaced.

_Spike would have liked to kill this one._ She thought saddly. _Damn, happy thoughts, think happy....._

"BUFFY!!"

Her boy froze. 

"Slayer!"

She turned, _could it be him? Was she dreaming?_

But she saw him, running to her as fast as he could. She dropped her sword as her heart lifted with hapines. _He was back!_

"Buffy!" he cried out as he saw, she was alright. _Thank God!_

_I wont ever be too far to feel you _

_And I wont hesitate at all _

_Whenever you call_

_And I'll always remember, the part of you so tender_

_I'll be the one to catch your fall_

_Whenever you call_

A large smile grew on her face, cause by pure delighted happiness, she did not care why he was back or that she must look of fright, but that he was back. She wanted to run to his arms, those arms that had held her so many times and protected her in the nights, from those demons she could not fight. And there he was! 

"Spike!" she whispered in contentment.

He saw her smile and wanted to grab her and never let her go. He had missed that smile so much, the perfect teeth, the lines that her face made near her eyes, indicating signs of aging too mature for her indicated age. His Buffy. His Slayer. His girl.

As relief turned into horror as he saw the beast that was lying on the floor by her feet jump up at supernatural speed and horn his love through her stomach.

"NO!!!!" He screamed to the top of his lungs as his feet could not carry him fast enough and she was too pre-occupied with him to notice the demon rise.

She felt hot-cold pain go through her body, but she did not take her eyes off Spike. All her senses screamed that this was her moment. And she knew it, but she wanted to look at him one last time. She wanted to tell him that she loved him but as she spoke only blood came out of her mouth, she could feel the coppery taste bubbling through her teeth and down her soiled shirt.

It felt like being lifted, as if the last words were not meant to be, like all the moments that flashed before her were enough to tell all tales off fallen slayers and lost loves.

Spike launched foward as the slayer's body lumped to the ground, he ran to the weak demon and lashing out with all his furry grabbed its head and twisted it off.

He felt the strength and power running through his veins, it was born out of pain, anger and vengeance. The dead body of the demon fell to his feet. 

Spike wasted no time and croached next to his love. He craddeled her on his arms, but couldn't say a word. Afraid that if he asked she would not answer, and if he stayed silent perhaps he could prevent the entire thing from happening, making it less real, making it a dream.

"Spike?" she whispered through bloody lips.

He swallowed hard and heavy, he could hear her heart beat dropping and slowing to a peaceful state.

"Yeah, pet?" He asked realizing that there were water dropplets falling on her face, clear dropplets that marked her pure face with his anguish and pain, his realization of failure, his inability to save the one thing he loved more than anything in this world.

_And I will breath for you each day_

_Comfort you through all the pain, gently kiss you fears away_

_You can turn to me and cry_

_Always understand that I_

_Give you all I am inside_

"Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time." she whispered to him as her eyes fluttered open with much difficulty.

He let out a sob as he lowered his face and genlty kissed her blood-bathed lips.

The kiss was gentle, the kiss was a goodbye, a thank you for all those times I will not mention, and a 'I will always remeber you' kiss.

"Buffy, please hang on, I'm gonna get you help. You're gonna be alright." he cried as she gently smiled at him.

"I...I love you." she whispered.

He composed his emotional strength and lifted her easily into his arms and started running towards his car. 

"Hold on, baby. You're gonna make it."

He raced through the shirt path that led to his Desoto and gently placed her in the passenger seat. She was unconscious but alive, he could still hear her faint but strong heartbeat.

He jumped behing the well and drove out. "You're gonna make it, luv. I'll be dammed if you die on the seat of my car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_I wont ever be too far to feel you_

_And I won't hesitate at all_

_Whenever you call_

_And I'll always remember the part of you so tender_

_I'll be the one to catch your fall_

_Whenever you call_

The black vintage classic made an abrupt halt at the doors of the emergency room and a pale young man jumped out of the drivers seat and raced to the passenger side and took out a frail bloody body of blonde girl. He gathered her as if she were the most important thing in his unlife.

The stormed into the room and yelled for help. Nurses came immedietly to loom at the condition of the semi-conscious girl and thier faces fell in realization that this one was not going to make it.

She's strong he said, she'll make it, she just needs blood, she's lost too much, he kept saying. They brought out a stretcher and he rapidly placed her on it.

She opened her eyes as he let her go.

"Don't leave me." she whispered to him.

"Never." he replied quickly kissing her forehead before they raced with her body down the long white hall.

He watched helpless as she disappeared through the corridors and it took all his strength not to run after hr and hold her in his arms.

He felt like his heart was being ripped to pieces, as if the moment they took her, they took him too. 

He looked at the nurse that was talking to him asking him unimportant questions about family name and things he really didn't know. He only knew one thing the girl was his life and he loved her and she was going to live. That's all he knew, he forgot everything, he didn't remember his name, her name, what happened.

Why couldn't they ask simple questions, questions he knew the answers to without doubt. Answers he should have told the dying girl before it was too late, before his lips were dripping with her blood, before his car stunk of dead spirits, before she whispered things to him that he had never told her.

He looked down at his bloody hands, hands that missed pure substances of life, blood, tears, and dirt.

He looked up to the dark nurse that was asking him if he was alright. He looked at her with tears running down his cheeks and blood dripping from his lips.

"Please don't let her die." he whispered to the kind face.

She looked at him for a moment and gently squeezed his upper arm, giving him an understanding smile and walked away.

He didn't get no "She'll be alright, We'll do the best we can, She's strong she'll pull through, It wasn't that bad, She'll be good as new in no time." He only got a smile, _That_ smile that meant we have no control.

He had no control. If she was fated to die, then powers that were above had made that decision and no matter how fast he ran, how much he shouted her name into the dark cold night, the silent thunder of heaven had given its veredict.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_I wont ever be too far to feel you_

_And I won't hesitate at all_

_Whenever you call_

Spike had sat stoned face for about half and hour when he saw a doctor emerge from the doors they took Buffy through.

He walked up to Spike and looked him over carefully.

"Were you the one who came in with the young lady and the stomach wound?" the elder man asked.

"Is she alright, is she dead, can I see her?" Spike spit out too quickly as he stood to meet the man.

The man took off his glasses and sighted. "She's alive and recovering. The girl had surprising healing abilities, astounding..."

"Yes, yes, I know, but is she alright?" Spike asked impatiently.

The man smiled. "She's unconscious right now, but in a couple of hours she'll be alright." 

Spike without thinking lashed out and hugged the man, who froze and awkwardly patted the young man on the back.

Spike pulled back embarrassed by his performance and looked to the floor. "Can I see 'her?" he asked.

The doctor looked at his face carefully and replaced his glasses. "For a couple of minutes, she needs her rest, you understand?"

Spike nodded in thanks and followed the man down a series of corridors that led to the critical condition private rooms.

He stopped in front of the door and opened it carefully. "You have five minutes." he told Spike quietly.

"Thank You." Spike replied gratefully as he waled through the door and into the darked room.

The door shut gently behind him as he looked up to the bed were she slept peacefully.

She looked angelic, placid, tranquil. The dim light on the nightstand gave the room a halcyon look that screamed all the opposites traits of a slayer and her worries.

He slowly walked to the bedside to look at her. She was pale, but her heartbeat was steady, which was a good sign. A small tube went through her nostrils and an angry neadle was securely tapped on her small swollen hand.

He wanted to rip it all away and take her out of there. He knew she hated hospitals, she would not be happy when she woke up.

Gently he held her small hand, carefully not to touch the IV and kissed it and he bend down to look at her better. 

"I'm sorry, pet." he whispered. His eyes traveled to her face and he frowned when he realized she couldn't hear him. 

He gently brushed a fallen strand of hair from her face. He loved her so much he could just combust of feeling at this moment.

"I love you, baby." he whispered as he gently kissed her swollen lips. He could feel the warmth of her skin burning his pale lips and with all the strength he could muster he let her go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_I won't ever be too far to feel you_

_And I wont hesitate at all_

_Whenever you call_

_And I'll always remember the part of you so tender_

_I'll be the one to catch your fall_

_When ever you call_

The black clad figure walked up to the nurses desk in a slow central motion. The tired woman looked at him and frowned. _Here comes another one._

"Please make sure that Miss. Summers receives this." he said as he handed her an envelope. 

She looked at him indifferently and nodded as she took the white envelope that read "Slayer".

He looked at her and walked away, not pausing, no turning, just walking away.

He bumped into a man in the hall and without looking back he excused himself and walked down his lonely path.

The man he bumped into looked at the mumbled apologetic man and stopped as he recognized the bleached blonde head.

The brunette looked from the nurses station to the black duster and rushed to the tired woman on the desk.

"Excuse me? What did that man want?" he asked.

She looked at him through her thick glasses. "Who are you?" she asked tiredly.

"Alexander Harris, what did that man with the blonde hair want?" Xander asked impatiently.

"Leaving something for Miss. Summers." she replied and looked back down at her paper work.

"Can I see what he left?" he asked thirstily.

She looked at him skeptically and raised a doubtful eyebrow.

"Listen I am her best friend and I NEED to know what he left." he said sternly.

The woman couldn't care less and reached out and handed the man the envelope that had been left.

Xander took the envelope and opened it quickly, not bothering with being kind or gentle.

He took a relatively short note out and read the well scripted ancient writing.

_Buffy,_

_I really don't know what to say except that I love you. I've always loved you and I swear on all that I hold dear that I will always love you. But We cannot be. _

_No matter how much I love you and you love me I will always be a vampire and you will always be the slayer. And all we have to keep are those short yet priceless moments of happiness that will live in my memories for an eternity. _

_I know you will hate me for what I am doing, I know you'll think that you'll never survive, but I know you Summers, you will get through this and you will survive._

_Tonight you were not meant to die but I was mean to leave. Please don't think of it as if I left you, but more like we let each other go. Your fairy tale has not ended, your prince will come someday, and someday you will understand._

_You will not see me again, but I will. I will see you in every corner at every moment in time. I will never leave you. When you feel alone and sad, unsure and depressed remember this: I am there, with you, in spirit and in soul._

_Take care my love,_

_Until Forever,_

_William _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Then it don't matter. I'll be all aroun' in the dark. I'll be ever'where--wherever you can look. Wherever there's a fight so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there, I'll be in the way guys yell where they're mad--an' I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry an' they know supper's ready. An' when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise, an' livin' in the houses they built, I'll be there too. "

from _The Grapes of Wrath_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE END. 

   [1]: mailto:bih80@yahoo.com



	6. Do Not Weep- Epilogue

Do not Weep-

**Do not Weep- **(Epilogue to What We Lost Collection)

by Isabelle

-Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all Joss. 

-Summary: Sequel to "To Part Now", The aftermath of Spike's second departure.

-Distribution: People who have contacted me and I've given them an ok, other than that please ask!

-Rating: R (Language, Violence)

-Author's Note: Feed me FEEDBACK!!!! :) [][1]bih80@yahoo.com

-Dedication: To all the reviewers who hated the conclusion of What We Lost Collection, this is for those who wanted tears other than sorrow :o) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.....

Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. And where I am going you can't follow. What I've gotta do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that......Here's looking at you, kid.

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The small girl clutched the worn piece of paper in her pale hand as if the world would disappear. She walked silently, her steps small as if she had all the time in the world. She clutch on to the paper, fingers ripping the flaky white material that had been a her disenchantment from this world.

She knew where she was going but she didn't know why. She knew he would already been gone. He was like that, came and went when you least expected it.

She remembered that night at the hospital, she had asked him not to leave her and he said "never".

Well 'never' was a short time. Too short for her liking.

She needed forever, even if forever meant one last kiss. She just needed him to hold her one last time, just one. If he would do that she would be all right, she could go on.

But not waking up with a papered goodbye and his scent on her brow.

This was not his way of doing things, this was Angel's way and she was not in love with Angel.

She walked in the sunlight, for she knew he couldn't escape her confrontation.

The note said he would leave and she will not see him again, but when has he ever kept his promises? Not to her, and in a very conscious level she was glad he didn't.

If it weren't for his empty threats, his white lies, she would not love him as much as she did at that moment.

So pure was her love that is was blinding, brighter than the fire, it consumed her and all that she was. It was a burning incense within her that needed to be depleted. And only one man ignited that in her, and she'll be damned if she let him walk out of her life, not by a long shot, not now, not ever.

She reached the door to his crypt. 

Reaching out her thin pale hand she opened the creaky door revealing the steps that went into the pit of despair.

She closed the door behind her to shut out the sunlight, walking to the middle of the room she found it empty. All his things were gone, but his scent was alive.

She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. She felt his presence warm her and with her eyes closed she smiled sadly. "I thought you were leaving?" she whispered, she knew he could hear her.

"So did I."

"What stopped you?" she asked still with her eyes closed.

Silence, but she felt him so close, so close the hairs on her arms could touch him, sense him, feel him.

She felt his non-existent breath on her face. "You."

"Me?" she whispered.

She felt him nod and opened her eyes to look at her love.

He was dressed to leave, with a black duffel back on his hand.

"Still leaving?" she asked silently, taking in his luggage.

He looked at her for a long time, until their eyes met. A short wasp of energy went through them. It was desire, it was something so powerful she couldn't describe.

It was like drowning and breathing at the same time, it was like living and dying all at once, it was like flying and falling in once single leap, it was hot and cold in one beat.

His hand reached out and touched her cheek lightly.

She closed her eyes and leaned into him, savoring the coolness of his skin. That reassurance that he was still un-dead but very much alive in every sense of the word.

He clutch to her warm skin, feeling the tingling sensation that her skin made him savor.

She was a burning fire, incarnated into one human being. Touching her made him feel real, with just a brush, a sweep, a caress.

She waited for his answer but it never came so she looked at him once more.

"Would it make a difference if I want you to stay?" She whispered, her eyes filling with unshed tears.

He swallowed.

"I love you today, more than I did yesterday and more than I will tomorrow." he whispered so close to her face he thought he might drown in her essence. "Being next to you will not change that."

"But it makes all the difference." she replied still looking at him as tears warmed her cheeks. He gently glided his thumb across her face to sweep her tears away. The warm substance burnt him in more ways than holy water ever could.

"Promise me somethin', pet." he said bringing his forehead to met hers.

Her bottom lip trembled. She couldn't nod, what if it was something she couldn't promise, something she refused to accept. Something along the lines of live on, love on, I'll always remember you.

"I want you to promise me that................you'll not be...............ashamed..............of what.........we have."

Her eyes shot up to met his and she recognized the little sparkle his blue eyes made when he pulled her leg.

The ends of his full lips slightly turned into a smirk and she stared at him in disbelief.

Then it dawned on her. She was so happy she was mad. So she punched him hard and square on his jaw.

"I hate you!!!" she yelled at him.

He looked at her and smiled, he knew exactly what this was about.

She tried to place her 'I am mad' at you face but his knowing smiled evaporated her try. She couldn't hide anything form him, he read right through her.

So she gave up the struggle and grabbed the lapels of his coat, crushing her mouth to his.

He was stunned at first but them promptly dropped his fake bag and lifted her up as their mouths dueled with each other.

It was desperation, wanting longing and pure unconditional love.

He pulled away and showered her with kisses all across her face. She held on to the back of his hair caressing the tender skin behind his ears and at the nape of his neck.

"I love you, oh god I love you." She whispered through his raining kisses and her tears.

He pulled back and looked at her. "I thought you hated me?" he asked arching an eyebrow.

"I though you were leaving." she replied.

He looked pensive for a moment then smiled at her. "You're right, we're both rotten liars."

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_And while Cinderella and her prince did live happily ever after the point, gentlemen, is that they lived_

from Ever After

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THE END-for all those who begged for a different ending and I promised one, here it is I hope everyone liked this ending better. :o)

   [1]: mailto:bih80@yahoo.com



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